Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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