I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
