My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
