Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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