i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
