i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
