Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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