Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
