I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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