he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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