naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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