Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
