VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
