ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
