I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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