I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
