you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
