your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
