You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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