He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
