maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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