Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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