8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i think i have two assholes
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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