Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
