I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
