your parents love me but you hate me
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
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