were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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