Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
