i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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