someone threw a dead crab at me
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
