im holly from the hills drunk
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Randomize
