I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
