8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
this just has baby written all over it
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Randomize
