I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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