im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
