i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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