threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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