today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
