Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
