i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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