she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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