Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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