First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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