I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
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If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
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If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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