the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
