i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
