Just fell off a train. Bad.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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