he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
