Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
