Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
