put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
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