I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
