Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
