I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
