She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
