I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Houston, we have a blender
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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